Wednesday, August 17, 2011


So I said I was going to post soon and I was about to make it all fluffy like I normally do with words like wonderful, precious, adorable...Because if you know me in real life, you know that I do say those words and I truly do try to keep a positive attitude most of the time and I feel like I am genuinely friendly. But then I got to thinking after reading a lot of blogs lately on "being real" just how I portray my life & how I like to show the "best" of everything. And that even when I post about things that are hard I use words like wonderful, great, blessed, precious, and add in the many :)'s so that maybe it doesn't appear like I'm really struggling (or I don't even blog about what really goes on). And I say how I know God is in control and faithful. You see the truth is....I'm pretty prideful. I like to appear like my life is always wonderful. I'm very concerned with what others think of me. I try to "measure up" to ridiculously high standards. I like to appear like I always think my husband is precious but in reality he's a sinner just like me. :) I'm selfish. I don't always trust God. Sometimes I doubt that he is in control. Sometimes I doubt that he is even there. I'm lazy. My prayer life is pitiful. I suck at laundry and let it pile up ridiculous amounts. We currently have dishes in our sink that have been there for 3 days. I am the worst long distance friend and am horrible about calling people back who have left messages on my phone. I could go on and on...

The worst thing is that I am so prideful I HATE being called out on those things which shows the biggest beast of my sins-pride. And my husband likes to sometimes gently, sometimes not so gently call out my prideful heart to which of course I deny most of the time until the Lord, in his rich mercy pricks my heart and softens it. I like my life to seem like it's in a pretty (and precious :)) little box tied up with a bow. But it's not.

The coolest thing when I type all of this out is that immediately I am depressed. Lol, well that's not cool but what is cool is that when I type all of it out and read JUST how much of a sinner I am and how much junk I carry around I am struck with this fact--GOD HAS REDEEMED ME. You see, Jesus needed me to see my depravity and feel overwhelmed with my sin before I could know the depths of his grace, mercy, and love for me. It's funny to me how sometimes in my head I misinterpret the meaning of justification and santification. When Christ became Lord of my life, he wiped away my sin--once and for all. Because of his love for me, he took the punishment for all of the sick sin that I have ever/will ever commit. However, I am still a sinner. I still struggle with my sin on a daily basis. I am not perfect nor will I ever be on this earth. So what do I do with my sin? Ignore it? Let it take over? NO. Accept God's grace daily. Ask him for the strength to fight my against my pride because I can't do it on my own. Ask for opportunities to choose humility over pride and be obedient when he honors my requests. Glorify and honor him when I see fruit in me spring up. So, I'm probably still going to use the word precious and wonderful because I just can't take it out of my vocabulary. :) And sue me, but I also can't escape the smileys. But, I am going to be a little more real because that's what my Dad in heaven would want--and after all, I'm living my life for His glory, not mine.

1 comment:

Debra said...

Audra, we are all sinners saved by God's grace and my life is so blessed because of that simple fact. I stand on that promise, and know that that simple fact keeps me and sustains me in life. God does show us what we don't like to see in ourselves, but what we do with that and how we let God make the changes from within make us beautiful to Him and others.You are so precious to me, and I thank God for the woman you have become.Love