Real.

So I said I was going to post soon and I was about to make it all fluffy like I normally do with words like wonderful, precious, adorable...Because if you know me in real life, you know that I do say those words and I truly do try to keep a positive attitude most of the time and I feel like I am genuinely friendly. But then I got to thinking after reading a lot of blogs lately on "being real" just how I portray my life & how I like to show the "best" of everything. And that even when I post about things that are hard I use words like wonderful, great, blessed, precious, and add in the many :)'s so that maybe it doesn't appear like I'm really struggling (or I don't even blog about what really goes on). And I say how I know God is in control and faithful. You see the truth is....I'm pretty prideful. I like to appear like my life is always wonderful. I'm very concerned with what others think of me. I try to "measure up" to ridiculously high standards. I like to appear like I always think my husband is precious but in reality he's a sinner just like me. :) I'm selfish. I don't always trust God. Sometimes I doubt that he is in control. Sometimes I doubt that he is even there. I'm lazy. My prayer life is pitiful. I suck at laundry and let it pile up ridiculous amounts. We currently have dishes in our sink that have been there for 3 days. I am the worst long distance friend and am horrible about calling people back who have left messages on my phone. I could go on and on...

The worst thing is that I am so prideful I HATE being called out on those things which shows the biggest beast of my sins-pride. And my husband likes to sometimes gently, sometimes not so gently call out my prideful heart to which of course I deny most of the time until the Lord, in his rich mercy pricks my heart and softens it. I like my life to seem like it's in a pretty (and precious :)) little box tied up with a bow. But it's not.

The coolest thing when I type all of this out is that immediately I am depressed. Lol, well that's not cool but what is cool is that when I type all of it out and read JUST how much of a sinner I am and how much junk I carry around I am struck with this fact--GOD HAS REDEEMED ME. You see, Jesus needed me to see my depravity and feel overwhelmed with my sin before I could know the depths of his grace, mercy, and love for me. It's funny to me how sometimes in my head I misinterpret the meaning of justification and santification. When Christ became Lord of my life, he wiped away my sin--once and for all. Because of his love for me, he took the punishment for all of the sick sin that I have ever/will ever commit. However, I am still a sinner. I still struggle with my sin on a daily basis. I am not perfect nor will I ever be on this earth. So what do I do with my sin? Ignore it? Let it take over? NO. Accept God's grace daily. Ask him for the strength to fight my against my pride because I can't do it on my own. Ask for opportunities to choose humility over pride and be obedient when he honors my requests. Glorify and honor him when I see fruit in me spring up. So, I'm probably still going to use the word precious and wonderful because I just can't take it out of my vocabulary. :) And sue me, but I also can't escape the smileys. But, I am going to be a little more real because that's what my Dad in heaven would want--and after all, I'm living my life for His glory, not mine.